“There’s a Hole in My Bucket”: Narcissism, High-Conflict Co-Parenting, and the Endless Cycle of Excuses
Most people remember the old folk song, There’s a Hole in My Bucket. Henry tells Liza there is a hole in his bucket. Liza tells him to fix it. Henry says he cannot fix it because he needs straw. Liza tells him to cut the straw. Henry says he cannot cut the straw because his knife is dull. Liza tells him to sharpen the knife. Henry says he cannot sharpen the knife because he needs water. Liza tells him to get water. Henry says he cannot get water because there is a hole in his bucket.
Round and round the conversation goes. Nothing is completed. Nothing is resolved. The original problem remains exactly where it started.
That song is a surprisingly accurate way to describe the experience many parents have when dealing with narcissistic traits or other high-conflict personality patterns in a divorce, custody dispute, or post-decree parenting conflict. The issue is not simply that the other parent disagrees. Reasonable parents disagree. The issue is that every proposed solution creates another obstacle, every effort to comply creates another complaint, and every attempt to end the dispute becomes the beginning of another dispute.
At Rifleman Law & Mediation, we often see this dynamic in custody and parent-time disputes involving parents in Saratoga Springs, Lehi, Eagle Mountain, American Fork, Orem, and surrounding Utah County communities.
The Bucket Is Not Really the Problem
In high-conflict co-parenting, the stated problem is often not the real problem. The stated problem may be a missed text message, a school pickup time, a medical appointment, a holiday exchange, or a request for reimbursement. On the surface, the issue appears small and solvable.
But when one parent responds with a reasonable solution, the issue changes.
If the parent sends more information, they are accused of overcommunicating. If they send less information, they are accused of withholding. If they document the exchange, they are accused of building a case. If they do not document the exchange, they are told there is no proof. If they follow the decree literally, they are accused of being rigid. If they are flexible, the flexibility is later used against them as evidence that the order does not matter.
This is the “hole in my bucket” problem. The conflict is not designed to be resolved. It is designed to continue.
How Narcissistic and High-Conflict Patterns Affect Parenting
The term “narcissist” is often used casually, but courts generally focus on conduct, not labels. A family court judge is usually not trying to diagnose a personality disorder. The court is looking at evidence: parent-time interference, refusal to communicate, inability to support the child’s relationship with the other parent, repeated violations of the decree, manipulation of the child, or a pattern of creating unnecessary conflict.
That distinction matters. In a Utah custody case, it is usually more effective to show the behavior than to argue about the label.
For example, Utah courts consider the best interest of the child when determining custody and parent-time. Utah Code § 81-9-204 addresses custody factors, including a parent’s ability to act in the child’s best interest and support the child’s relationship with the other parent. Utah law also recognizes the importance of stability, continuity, and active parental involvement. In appropriate cases, courts may consider joint custody, structured parent-time, or even equal parent-time under Utah Code § 81-9-305.
The problem in a high-conflict case is that the parent creating the conflict may be skilled at appearing calm, cooperative, and reasonable in court. Meanwhile, the parent who has been forced to respond to months or years of obstruction may appear frustrated, persistent, or overly focused on the other parent’s behavior.
That is where the blame begins to shift.
When the Reasonable Parent Starts Looking Like the Problem
One of the most damaging features of narcissistic or high-conflict co-parenting is that the normal parent is often placed in a defensive posture. They are not creating the conflict, but they are constantly required to respond to it.
They file the motion to enforce. They send the clarifying email. They document the missed exchange. They ask for the medical information. They request compliance with the decree. They ask the court to address the same conduct that keeps repeating.
From the court’s perspective, however, this may appear as repeated litigation. The court sees motion after motion, declaration after declaration, and complaint after complaint. Unless the pattern is clearly organized and presented, the court may conclude that both parents are equally difficult.
That is often exactly what the high-conflict parent wants.
The strategy is subtle but effective. Create the obstacle. Wait for the other parent to respond. Create a new obstacle. Wait for the other parent to become frustrated. Then point to the frustration as proof that the other parent is angry, controlling, or unable to co-parent.
The original violation disappears. The reasonable parent’s reaction becomes the issue.
The Court System Is Not Always Built for This Pattern
Family courts are designed to resolve disputes. They are not always designed to identify long-term manipulation patterns hidden inside ordinary parenting disagreements.
A judge or commissioner may see the case in short hearings separated by weeks or months. The court may hear about one exchange, one missed appointment, one school issue, or one communication dispute. But high-conflict parenting is rarely about one event. It is about the accumulation of events. It is about the pattern.
That is why preparation matters. A parent involved in a high-conflict custody case should not merely argue that the other parent is a narcissist. The stronger approach is to present a clear, organized record showing how the conduct repeats over time.
For parents dealing with these issues, our Saratoga Springs child custody lawyer, Lehi child custody lawyer, and American Fork child custody lawyer pages discuss how custody evidence, parent-time schedules, and parenting plans are evaluated in Utah custody disputes.
The “Hole in My Bucket” Cycle in Custody Cases
Step One: The High-Conflict Parent Creates a Problem
The cycle often begins with something small. The other parent refuses to confirm an exchange time. They delay providing school information. They do not disclose a medical appointment. They refuse to follow the holiday schedule. They reinterpret the decree in a way that benefits them.
Step Two: The Reasonable Parent Offers a Solution
The reasonable parent tries to solve the issue. They send the decree language. They propose a pickup time. They offer a compromise. They ask for confirmation. They try to keep the focus on the child.
Step Three: A New Obstacle Appears
Instead of resolving the issue, the high-conflict parent changes the objection. The problem is no longer the exchange time. Now it is the tone of the message. Or the number of messages. Or the fact that the other parent involved counsel. Or the claim that the child does not want to go. Or the allegation that the other parent is “harassing” them by asking for compliance.
Step Four: The Reasonable Parent Responds Again
The reasonable parent tries again. They clarify. They document. They adjust. They accommodate. They attempt to remove every possible excuse.
Step Five: The Blame Shifts
Eventually, the reasonable parent becomes exhausted. They may become more direct. They may file a motion. They may insist on compliance. The high-conflict parent then points to that reaction and says, “See? This is the problem. This parent cannot communicate. This parent is controlling. This parent is creating conflict.”
The bucket still has a hole in it, but now the discussion is about the reasonable parent’s tone.
Why This Harms Children
Children need stability. They need predictable routines, calm exchanges, consistent expectations, and permission to love both parents. High-conflict co-parenting undermines those needs.
When every exchange becomes a dispute, the child feels the tension. When one parent repeatedly interferes with communication or parent-time, the child may begin to believe that normal parenting time is optional. When one parent frames compliance with the decree as harmful, controlling, or unsafe without legitimate basis, the child may be pulled into an adult conflict they cannot understand.
Over time, the child may begin managing the emotions of the high-conflict parent. That is not healthy co-parenting. That is emotional pressure placed on the child.
Utah custody law focuses on the best interest of the child. In high-conflict cases, the best interest analysis should include whether each parent can reduce conflict, follow orders, support the other parent’s relationship with the child, and keep the child out of adult disputes.
Why Documentation Matters More Than Argument
In these cases, documentation is often more persuasive than adjectives. Calling the other parent a narcissist may cause the court to tune out. Showing a repeated pattern of conduct is harder to ignore.
Helpful documentation may include missed exchanges, refusal to follow the decree, repeated last-minute changes, messages showing shifting excuses, school or medical information withheld from the other parent, and examples where one parent’s proposed solution was met with a new unrelated objection.
The goal is not to bury the court in every hostile message. The goal is to show the pattern clearly enough that the court understands this is not a normal disagreement between two imperfect parents.
When court orders are being violated, enforcement may be necessary. Our Eagle Mountain divorce enforcement lawyer page addresses enforcement issues such as parent-time interference, failure to comply with decree provisions, and contempt proceedings.
Modification May Become Necessary When the Pattern Does Not Stop
Sometimes enforcement is not enough. If the same conduct continues, a parent may need to consider whether the custody or parent-time order should be modified. Utah courts generally require a substantial and material change in circumstances before modifying custody or parent-time, and the requested modification must serve the best interests of the child.
Persistent interference with parent-time, refusal to co-parent, manipulation of the child, or repeated failure to comply with the decree may become relevant in a modification case, depending on the facts and evidence.
For more information about post-decree changes, see our Saratoga Springs divorce modification lawyer page and our Lehi divorce modification lawyer page.
Mediation With a High-Conflict Personality
Mediation can be useful in many Utah divorce and custody cases. It can reduce cost, narrow issues, and help parents reach agreements without trial. But mediation with a high-conflict personality requires structure.
The same “hole in my bucket” pattern can appear in mediation. One parent proposes a schedule. The other parent says it will not work. A different schedule is proposed. That will not work either. A transportation solution is offered. That creates another objection. A communication platform is proposed. That becomes another dispute.
The danger is that mediation becomes another forum for circular conflict rather than problem-solving.
When mediation involves high-conflict behavior, preparation matters. The parent should arrive with proposed language, specific schedules, defined exchange times, communication rules, reimbursement procedures, medical notice provisions, and enforcement language. Vague agreements often create future conflict. Precise orders reduce the number of holes in the bucket.
For families preparing for settlement discussions, our Lehi divorce mediation lawyer page explains how mediation can address custody, parent-time, support, and property issues when the parties are properly prepared.
How to Present the Pattern to the Court
Focus on Conduct, Not Diagnosis
The court does not need a label to address harmful conduct. Instead of leading with “the other parent is a narcissist,” focus on what the parent did, when they did it, how often it happened, how it affected the child, and what order or parenting obligation was violated.
Show the Repeating Sequence
One incident may look minor. Ten similar incidents may show a pattern. Organize the facts chronologically. Identify the issue, the proposed solution, the new obstacle, and the resulting harm.
Connect the Conduct to the Child
Courts are more likely to act when the evidence shows harm to the child or disruption to the child’s stability. Explain how the conduct affects school, medical care, exchanges, emotional security, parent-time, and the child’s relationship with each parent.
Ask for Specific Remedies
High-conflict cases often require specific orders. That may include exact exchange locations, precise deadlines for medical and school information, use of a parenting communication app, makeup parent-time, attorney fees, or other relief tailored to the violation.
The Point of the Analogy
The “hole in my bucket” analogy works because it captures the exhausting nature of high-conflict co-parenting. The reasonable parent is constantly invited into another problem-solving exercise. But the exercise never ends because the other parent’s goal is not resolution. The goal is control, delay, blame shifting, or continued engagement.
Once that pattern is understood, the strategy changes. The reasonable parent stops chasing every new excuse. The focus becomes evidence, structure, compliance, and child-centered remedies.
In custody litigation, the most important question is not whether the other parent fits a psychological label. The more important question is whether the other parent’s conduct promotes the child’s stability, supports the child’s relationship with both parents, and complies with court orders.
Rifleman Law & Mediation Represents Parents in High-Conflict Custody and Parent-Time Disputes
Rifleman Law & Mediation represents parents in divorce, custody, parent-time, enforcement, and modification cases throughout Utah County and surrounding communities. We assist clients in Saratoga Springs, Lehi, Eagle Mountain, American Fork, Provo, Orem, and other communities listed on our Utah family law service areas page.
If you are dealing with a parent who keeps creating new obstacles, refusing to follow court orders, or shifting blame after every attempted solution, the issue may not be a single disagreement. It may be a pattern. In those cases, careful documentation, clear legal strategy, and enforceable court orders matter.
